50 Shades of Experimentation …
The silk scarf tied around my wrists was cutting into my skin. The blindfold shut out every bit of light, and yet I still had my eyes closed behind it.
A sudden sharp pinch of my left nipple made me yelp in delicious pain.
“Shhhh, Felicity. You aren’t allowed to make noise. Do it again and I will spank you!” he said.
I thought about defying him… just to relish the smack of his hand against my ass. But before I could open my mouth to tempt fate, I felt the tickle of a feather running up my inner thigh and then his mouth met mine in a passionate kiss.
He stopped suddenly and pulled away.
I felt lost for a second not knowing where he’d gone. But this was part of the game. Stopping and starting. Hard and soft. Pain and pleasure.
My senses were on the highest alert not knowing which way he was going to pleasure me next.
He knew I was anxious and he reassured me. “I love watching you so turned on and wanting me.
Nod your head yes if you want me right now.”
I wanted to be cool but I nodded my head vigorously. I couldn’t see it, but I swear I could hear his smile widen.
“Now before I fuck you, I want you to spread your legs as wide as you can for me. And hold them there until I tell you that you can move”
I felt completely exposed. Tied to the bed. Naked with my legs as wide as I could make them.
Totally vulnerable. I was a little scared… but I did it anyway.
Which absolutely thrilled me.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock the last few years you have heard of the 50 Shades trilogy (now being made into a movie). The series tells the story of an innocent young woman who falls in love with and marries a handsome, wealthy, and kinky man who introduces her to the pleasures of BDSM.
Now, I won’t weigh in on the merits of the books other than to say it has given a wide audience of women a peek into a fun and highly misunderstood kink/fetish.
And to me, it is always a plus when some type of creative work influences people to explore their sexuality in new ways. According to an article in Huffington Post, sales of BDSM related toys and accessories have skyrocketed over the last three years. Woohoo!
The acronym BDSM is more complex than you might realize. It stands for:
- B/D – Bondage and Discipline. This includes restraints (being tied up), spanking, and punishment.
- D/S – Domination and Submission. One person controls the actions of the other sexually (or beyond).
- S/M – Sadism and Masochism. Enjoying various degrees of pain. Inflicting pain as well as receiving pain.
BDSM is the practice of using role-playing, props, toys, and specific activities to build sexual tension and then enjoy the sexual release. The heart of most BDSM partnerships is one partner identifying as the dominant and the other partner as the submissive. Although the roles can flip flop, and really, there are no “rules” to it — each partnership can determine what exactly BDSM means to them.
BDSM includes a wide spectrum of participants. There are couples who just dabble in it as a fun addition to their otherwise vanilla sex lives, like maybe using some restraints or blindfolds occasionally. There are some people who must have some manner of BDSM present in order for them to perform sexually, so they use it every time they have sex. And on the furthest end of the spectrum are people who live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7 where the dominant rules over every aspect of daily life for their sub.
One of the things about BDSM that is highly misunderstood is that many people think it’s a form of humiliation or it’s only about pain as pleasure. What shocks a lot of folks is that BDSM is really about honesty and trust more than anything. Sex is just the medium used to build the honesty and trust.
Where honesty and trust come into play is that the number one priority of the dominant partner is the submissive’s safety. The use of safe words as well as hard and soft limits on activities is critical. The submissive has to have complete trust in the dominant partner to honor the limits and maintain safety.
It’s sort of like a trust fall or ropes course… except you are naked and the ropes are used to tie you up 😉
Why Do Women Yearn to be Dominated?
This is a complex question, and the answers are as unique as the person giving them. I can only answer from my own personal perspective.
I am a woman who has enjoyed a busy and thriving career. I make decisions. I get shit done in the world. I am all about gender equality and female empowerment. I have opinions. In every arena of my life, I am comfortable taking charge. And the one place I absolutely love to relinquish all control is in the bedroom.
To have trust with my partner where I know he will keep me safe yet will delight in pushing me right to the edge of my comfort zone is something I crave. It’s thrilling and exhilarating. And it’s FUN.
I don’t always have to role-play in this manner, and not every man I’ve been involved with has been into it… so I’m much more of a hobbyist than anything. And I definitely enjoy taking the reins once in awhile and being the aggressor with my man.
I was first introduced to the idea of BDSM several years ago when I met a man deeply involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Make sure to check out the transcript of some of our chats in the Bonus section of the program!
If you’ve been curious about dabbling in a little BDSM but haven’t known how to get started, this technique is for you!
Step One: Determine boundaries
Go back to your sexploration quiz from the first module. Decide what activities on that list turn you on and that you’d like to try. Some common ones associated with BDSM are:
- Spanking or paddling with hands, whips, paddles, crops
- Restraining hands, feet, or both
- Using a ball-gag (making sure breathing is not obstructed) or just ordering silence
- Sex with a dom/sub twist — one partner must submit to the other’s every command
Next, you do need to talk to your man about it. It may feel anything but spontaneous to discuss it ahead of time, but if this is something new, it’s important to talk it through before you act.
Decide what your limits are and how you will indicate that you want to stop an activity with a safe word or hand signal. Mutual consent is absolutely necessary!
If you are nervous about bringing up the subject, you can combine steps one and two. Grab your laptop or tablet and tell your guy you want him to look at a website with you.
Go to the couples section of babeland.com and click around. Ask him what looks fun or interesting to him or what he’s game to try out to open up the dialogue.
Questions that you can ask to get the conversation flowing:
- What have you always fantasized about trying?
- Does the idea of inflicting or receiving pain with pleasure turn you on?
- Would you want to play with being my “master” and I become your sex slave?
Step Two: Shop for accessories
You can shop together or you can do this step on your own. I’ve found shopping together really opens up the dialogue and creates fun anticipation.
Take a trip to a sex store. I like going in person so I can see the merchandise and comparison shop. The sales staff at most stores are usually very helpful in making recommendations.
If you don’t have easy access to a brick and mortar store, hop online. Amazon.com has a ton of great props, toys, and accessories with honest reviews from customers. You can also check out Toys in Babeland or Adam and Eve. There is even a line of 50 Shades products on the market now!
Items to look for and experiment with:
- Whips, riding crops, paddles
- Feathers (usually attached to sticks – they look like cat toys, lol!)
- Nipple or genital clamps
- Cock rings that vibrate
- Restraints and blindfolds
- Anal beads and butt plugs
- You may have several items already at home:
- Long silk scarves or regular neck ties make great restraints and blindfolds
- Ice cubes and melted candle wax on the skin give interesting sensations
- Whipped cream, honey, or chocolate sauce can be drizzled and licked off various body parts
- Chill a thick necklace chain in the fridge for an hour and use it to drag over various body parts
Anything that turns you on is fair game. And you don’t need to spend a ton of money and outfit your own “red room of pain” in order to have fun with BDSM. One or two props or toys, your words, and your imagination are really all you need!
Step Three: Play time!
Set aside some alone time when you won’t have to watch the clock and won’t be disturbed.
Making a special night of it is fun. Going to a hotel room for the night opens up tons of role-playing possibilities.
You can be elaborate and do something spicy like…
- Pretend you are strangers who meet in a hotel bar. Have a drink and make small talk. Then slip this sexy stranger your room key.
- Role-play that you order up an in-room massage where the sexy masseuse delivers more than a rub-down from the spa menu.
- Take advantage of a different environment and furniture. Sometimes it’s easier to let go of worries or inhibitions when you are in unfamiliar surroundings.
And you can also try this out in the comfort of your own home. There isn’t a wrong way to experiment!
Step Four: Using words
The sky is the limit when it comes to dialogue — anything and everything goes!
If you are role-playing a specific scene, adopting characters and talking like them is natural. For example, to really get into the dom/sub role-play of master and slave, act like he has complete dominion over you. Call him master. Talk to him as if he carries ultimate authority over you.
- Yes, my master.
- Please, master.
- As you wish, my king.
- Yes, sir.
He may call you his Pet, too.
In my example above, I was forbidden to speak, and my partner was the one making commands. It was as simple as him telling me what he wanted me to do, how to move, and describing what he was about to do since I was blindfolded.
If you do use a blindfold, your voice (alternating with silence) plays a big role. Keeping your partner off guard by not talking and just acting adds an element of surprise. Asking him to describe in detail what is about to take place heightens the anticipation for you… if he’s blindfolded, telling him what you are about to do to his body will totally turn him on.
Using the play-by-play technique is always helpful. Saying out loud how something feels, how much you like it, if you want it harder, slower, longer, more… all of it works! I’ve found that when engaging in BDSM where I feel more vulnerable as well as more naughty, it definitely brings out a raunchier side to my dirty talk.
My BDSM failure
Always remember that sex is fun. And occasionally, really funny. Trying out something new might not go totally perfect the first time, and that’s ok!
Let me tell you about the time I had a sexy interlude go horribly and hysterically wrong…
I’d purchased a little jar of minty edible lubricating gel at the sex store. The package said it provided an intense tingling sensation when massaged on the penis and it also extended his erection.
Sounded like fun!
So one night, I blindfolded my guy. I told him he was in for a night of exciting sensations. I was pinching his nipples, rubbing feathers on his skin, running an ice cube up his inner thigh, and occasionally teasing his dick with my mouth and tongue.
Then I pulled out my little jar of minty magic. Without reading the instructions, I scooped out a giant dollop and went to town rubbing it all over his penis.
He was squirming in pleasure for the first 30 seconds. But then the “warming effect” took hold.
All of a sudden, he screamed and literally levitated off the bed and jetted into the bathroom. “OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! WHAT DID YOU PUT ON MY DICK!” he cried as he ran.
Needless to say, I felt terrible, and it wasn’t what I had planned for the night. He showered, getting all of the minty magic gel off and luckily, all turned out okay. His penis survived unharmed.
I learned to read the instructions on any new product (a dime size drop was what I should have used) and he did learn to trust me again. It actually became one of our funniest stories to tell.
The bottom line: have fun and experiment. Not everything you try is going to be a spectacular success. It’s okay!
Frequently asked questions
Do I have to always be submissive?
No. A woman can be the submissive, she can also be the dominant. It all depends on you and your partner and what you find exciting.
If I consent to being a submissive, does that mean I’m not really doing it if I say no to certain activities?
Absolutely not! As I state in step one, you both decide your individual boundaries and limits. BDSM is never about one partner pushing the other to do something they don’t consent to or don’t want to do.
What if my man has no interest in experimenting with BDSM and I do?
Again, mutual consent is the most important factor. However, some people shy away from the term BDSM because they imagine it involves painful and hardcore kink.
If you think that may be the issue at hand, you can try removing the term “BDSM” from your conversation. Tell your man that you’d really be turned on if he blindfolded you some time. Or if he spanked you a little during doggie-style. Or describe a role-playing fantasy where he ravishes you. The point is, he may very well be open to playing and experimenting if you give him clear parameters around what you want to try.
I am single but interested in exploring BDSM. Are there ways to meet men who are into this?
Definitely. Like I mentioned in the intro, there are many people who make BDSM part of their entire lifestyle 24/7. For most women new to the idea, you probably don’t want to make such a huge commitment to a new lifestyle right away, though.
My best advice is to bring up your interest in experimenting with a man you are dating and intimate (or soon to be intimate) with. Use this lesson as a guide to experiment and see if you enjoy it.
If you recognize that BDSM is something that you desire to have as a permanent part of your sex life, there are websites that cater to all sorts of kinks and fetishes. Check out the transcript in the Bonus section. My friend gives tips for novices and lists out resources to learn more.