I’m frequently questioned why clients choose my services. Why would someone pay a beautiful woman for her time, when sex is never involved? Why pay for professional BDSM when there are so many competent lifestyle players out there? Conversely, lifestyle friends often question the payoffs of going pro and can be resentful that professionals get paid to do what they effectively do for free. So, why pay a pro? Here are seven reasons.
Discretion is the primary reason clients seek my services. The majority of my clients are men in positions of power or authority within their daily lives. They are consummate alpha males 40+ hours a week. They bear huge responsibilities in their professional and personal lives, and feel that their image as an authority figure would be compromised if their charges knew about their submission.
Although social acceptance of kinky activities is growing, thanks largely to the internet and popular media such as Fifty Shades of Grey, we still have a long way to go towards becoming a truly non-judgmental society.
2. Freedom from Judgment
My clients belong to two categories, divided by age: many of them are men over fifty who grew up believing they were alone in their erotic tastes, during an era where they were more likely to encounter images of bondage on Batman television shows than in Hustler magazine. They contented themselves in mediocre marriages with lovely women who never knew about their husbands’ fantasies. Why would a man risk rejection by telling his wife he was into such weird things?
Younger men are the second category of client I see. Like me, these men were raised in an era of computer technology and increasing internet access. By the time we were in college, search engines were popping up, porn was becoming more diverse in both print and digital media, and communities of kinky people could be located by typing in a few key words on the computer.
Today, men in their twenties never question whether women like me exist; they never doubt whether other people like to be spanked, dress in latex outfits, or be told what to do. While some of my younger clients have BDSM experience with girlfriends, others are still concerned that their fetishes are too extreme or unusual for their partners. All of my clients seek the emotional ease that comes from a professional session. They deserve to have their needs met without obligation or judgment.
Emotional safety is a priority for my clients, and physical safety is equally important. When speaking with prospective clients on the phone, I frequently joke, “I don’t want you to need a hospital or a therapist when I’m done with you!” Because there is physical risk inherent in BDSM, choosing to session with an experienced professional with years of training is often the safest choice. Prospective clients should ask questions about safety and risk.
Here are some standards to keep in mind: a safe professional will clean her reusable equipment such as paddles and dungeon furniture with a medical grade disinfectant. She will have disposable equipment for medical scenes or activities that may involve bodily fluids. She will have proper sterilization procedures for reusable medical devices such as urethral sounds (no, alcohol isn’t enough…and that’s the topic of another blog). Ropes will be routinely laundered for sanitation. A professional dungeon should be clean enough to eat off of!
Well-intended novices often presume they can play with their partners risk-free, unknowingly emulating unsafe activities they read about in books or saw online or in movies. Just because it was an author’s or porn director’s fantasy doesn’t make it a good idea. I encourage everyone to seek education and training for safety’s sake. I welcome couples for training sessions, as do most other professional dominants.
When a client enters my dungeon for the first time, he or she often comments on the quantity and variety of my equipment. It’s taken over a decade to accumulate all of this weird stuff, and even longer to familiarize myself with its use. Like most people in the lifestyle, I began with my core kinks, learned about the activities I enjoyed most, and slowly expanded my net as my explorations progressed. Pursuing BDSM at the professional level (and as a dissertation research topic) enabled me to put more time and energy into my growing skill set.
During the early years of my professional dominance, each new client became a learning experience. I was exposed to a wider variety of fetishes, activities, and interests than I could possibly have explored with just one partner. I was upfront with clients when they asked me about new things, honest about my expertise or lack thereof, and studied the activities they brought to the table.
Some of the activities I tried but didn’t enjoy; those were set aside. Other aspects of BDSM such as medical play piqued my curiosity, so I attended classes with experts to learn more. As a professional, I’m not only proficient in my core kinks, I’m also proficient in dozens of other people’s primary kinks as a result of my partnerships with them. Clients benefit from the breadth of a ProDomme’s kink expertise.
5. Facility and Equipment
My dungeon has grown as a reflection of my skill set. BDSM is an expensive hobby, and a professional dominatrix reinvests her earnings into her equipment. Clients are often shocked (pardon the pun) to learn that my electrical toys cost hundreds of dollars apiece. Surgical grade urethral sounds are $100 each from medical supply companies; the sets for sale at fetish stores are actually meant for cervical dilation, not for urethral use.
Professional dominants charge a substantial rate for their time because it costs them a substantial amount to stay in business. Maintaining a spacious, private facility in a safe neighborhood with discreet parking is an expensive venture. When you consider asking a professional for a discount, imagine trying to afford a second home for one of your favorite hobbies, just for perspective.
Dungeon furniture must be custom built or shipped from one of a small number of designers. A ProDomme must maintain a serviceable wardrobe of clothing to appease the interests of various fetishists: latex, leather, corsets, heels, etc.
6. Flexibility and Commitment
Sometimes I see clients who have explored BDSM in their personal lives. I applaud everyone who has the clarity of thinking to know what turns them on and the nerve it takes to share these desires with a loved one. I recognize that’s not easy. Unfortunately, fantasy and reality don’t often mesh. I hear stories about wives who are also submissive, so neither partner is comfortable playing the dominant role. The wife wants the husband to be Christian Grey, and the husband wants the wife to be Ilsa of the SS. Their desires are fun, but incompatible.
Alternately, some clients are lucky enough to have compatible desires with their partner, and they have dabbled successfully in a bit of kinky play. Then reality sets in, schedules are too busy, kids need tending, and life gets in the way. While BDSM may not be a priority for one partner, the other partner has higher levels of need for kinky interaction. In this situation, the client benefits from the availability of a professional dominant. A dominatrix has real life challenges also, but in session her attention is 100% yours.
I describe female domination as a “divine art”. Like any other art form, dominance emerges out of a passion for one’s craft. An experienced professional blends an enthusiasm about BDSM with an awareness of nuances learned from years of practice.
When a novice comes through my door for the first time, I hone in on their needs and desires, picking up cues in their words and body language. Clients are often surprised when I can tell them things about their desires that they haven’t fully admitted to themselves yet. A professional dominant’s job is to figure out which of your buttons need to be pushed. Such attention to detail comes from a true passion for kink and a desire to understand people and their fantasies. Many of these details would go unobserved by someone who is merely “playing” at dominance or accommodating a partner’s whims.
There’s a myth that a ProDomme’s clients are paying for play because they can’t find any other outlet for BDSM due to some perceived shortcomings on the part of the client. I’ve found this to be quite untrue. In reality, clients are paying for a higher level of kink because they place value in the experiences that can only be reliably obtained through a professional. By hiring an established professional, a client won’t have to convince a partner that being kinky is an acceptable thing, worry about his safety, or juggle her schedule around PTA meetings. A ProDomme is serious about what she does, and her life’s work is the art and joy of BDSM.
When a submissive hires a professional dominant, he or she is being assured quality, safety, and integrity. Professionalism should show in the dominant’s dungeon facility, range of equipment, and expertise. Her commitment to the BDSM lifestyle and the art of dominance will ensure a positive experience for a discerning submissive client.